Also, WINNER of Jennifer Delamere's "The Captain's Daughter" is Gail Hollingsworth!!!
Now, on to our post . . .
Last Wednesday was NOT at all what I'd planned. Of course, you all should know by now, that to manage my time at a full time job and writing novels, I am a planner. I haven't mastered the system of those cute calendars and task books, but it's mostly all in my head and pretty well scheduled out. Back to back. With a little room for error, but definitely NOT room for a hospital stay.
What started out as me wondering if my coffee addiction had finally caught up with me, ended with my Admin Assistant calling my doctor and my husband, my co-worker half carrying me to the car, a trip to the clinic which transferred me to ER, which transferred me to a larger hospital, which slapped me in a hospital bed to "stay put".
Apparently, I'm human, a trait I sometimes forget. *insert sticking-out-tongue-rolling-eyes-emoticon-here*
To save you all the sordid details, in short, I was derailed from normal life by "non-epileptic" seizures. I still have various symptoms, and don't worry, more testing to come but it was unanimously ruled by the neurologists that I do, in fact, have a brain. (Unlike Dorothy's scarecrow).
I have learned one thing, very quickly, in the past few days, and it sounds awful when I first say it, so keep reading and allow me to explain: I don't owe anyone anything.
Sounds horribly selfish, right? The phrase filled my mind as I sat on my deck on Saturday, in a reclining chair, with my cat Ivy, and Lori Benton's newest book "Many Sparrows". It wasn't that I
My husband and kids still breathed and probably ate better since my mother-in-law did the cooking. My friends were actually all right with the fact that my response time on social media dropped substantially from every 20 seconds to every 12 hours. The house needed vacuumed but it didn't explode into shrapnel. My cats thought me lounging around the deck with a fluffy blanket was perhaps the nicest thing since they invented soft cat food.
I think sometimes I fool myself in some subconscious, unintended source of pride, that I owe people . . . well, that I owe them ME. Every element of me. Even my kids should have 120% of me. Hold nothing back. My mom said ever since I was a child I loved with a ridiculously heightened sense of "all of me". It was my duty to guard, protect, serve, entertain, love, care, and support those I loved. Oddly, I'm not a people-pleaser so much as a people-protector, if that makes sense? I can say "no" like nobody's business, but if I feel those around me are threatened or need direction, I strap on my Tim-the-Toolman Belt of Fix-It and off to the workshop I go.
I don't owe anyone anything. Not because I need to focus on me, myself and I. But because, frankly, God didn't anoint me as the fourth part of the Trinity (which would make it a Quad, which would just be a weird spiritual connotation). God didn't give me some Master of the Universe tool-belt. He gave me abilities, to be used wisely, and now, He has forced me to rest.
Meh. Not a fan.
But here I am, feet up on the couch since 4 pm this afternoon, taking *gasp* an HOUR to write one blog post when I usually do them in 20 minutes. Sigh.
Fine. I don't know what's wrong with me physically, except dying has been ruled out--at least for the time being. But I do know, God has somehow heightened my awareness that HE wants to be the fixer. So for the time being, I'm hanging up my tool-belt. I'll use it now again, but I'm going to rest. Write. Work. Be a friend. Be a wife. Be a mother. But not be everything.
I don't even know if that makes sense, since my brain is in a fog.
Have you guys ever struggled with being a "Fixer"?
Professional coffee drinker & ECPA/Publisher's Weekly best-selling author, Jaime Jo Wright resides in the hills of Wisconsin writing spirited turn-of-the-century romance stained with suspense. Coffee fuels her snarky personality. She lives in Neverland with her Cap’n Hook who stole her heart and will not give it back, their little fairy TinkerBell, and a very mischievous Peter Pan. The foursome embark on scores of adventure that only make her fall more wildly in love with romance and intrigue.
Jaime lives in dreamland, exists in reality, and invites you to join her adventures atjaimejowright.com.
Web site: www.jaimejowright.com