Tuesday, May 6, 2014

An Empty Mother's Day

I am a mother of two. Some nights I travel the short jaunt down our dimly lit hallway and peek into the brilliant chickadee yellow and pink flambe painted room. Kokomo Jo's asleep. Waist long, blonde curls fanned over her face, fingers clutching "Tag", the tag on her baby blanket, and head resting on "Georgie" her monkey that is a living breathing member of our family. I back away, close the door, and peek into the next room. He's splayed across the crib mattress, cheeks fire red with sleep, fingers kneading the air like they have since he was born two years ago, and his CARS pillow tucked against his shoulder.

I close the door. Peter Pan is a light sleeper.

And I turn. The opposite side of the hallway has two doors. An empty office for my husband's endless outdoor hobbies, and the bathroom.
Three doors are missing.
Three beds.
Three empty picture frames.
Three sets of fingers clutching their precious comfort item.
Three rounded cheeks my lips cannot kiss.
Three puckered mouths that have never uttered "mommy".

Everyone faces grief differently. And Mother's Day can become a very empty place. The remembering of lives that should have lived, but didn't. Consolations of "At least you have your two", "it all turned out okay in the end", and "God knew what He was doing"...they're all true. But they don't fill those three precious holes in my heart that went to Heaven one day and never came back.

Mother's Day is a celebration of who I am. But at times, I feel like I failed them. As if I could not protect them. I could not carry them to safety. I could not be...a mother.

But while the lie of miscarriage is rife with its reoccuring pangs of bitterness and grief, the truth that whispers in my ear every year, comes in the echoing voice of their daddy, who loved them as much as I did.

"Just imagine where our children are! Holding Jesus' hand, in complete security, spared the agony of evil and sin, blissfully protected and waiting for you..."

The three empty places in my heart are still there. They always will be there, waiting to be filled that day I arrive on Heaven's doorstep and their little feet trip and tumble and race to find me.

I am a mother of five. Some nights I travel the short jaunt down our dimly lit hallway, and before I peek into the chickadee yellow and pink flambe room, I blow kisses toward the sky. Good night, sweethearts. I'll see you in the morning.

_________________________________

Jaime Wright - 

Spirited and gritty turn-of-the-century romance stained with suspense. Youth leader. Professional Coffee Drinker. Works in HR and specializes in sarcasm :) - Represented by: Books & Such Literary Agency

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20 comments:

  1. Love you, my dear. Beautifully written. Hugs.

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  2. I am a mother of six, but most people just see the four. Beautiful post that captures the pain of miscarriage.

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    1. Our babies are playin' together up in Heaven!! (probably writing great novels)

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  3. Beautiful, Jaime - left me in tears!! Love and hugs to you!!

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  4. So well written. It can be hard to capture these kind of feelings within the boundaries of written words. Thank you for sharing. We, too, have a little one in heaven.

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    1. I believe Heaven will be filled with happy reunions someday!

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  5. This brought tears to my eyes... thanks for sharing your beautiful heart, Jaime! It seems our hearts share some similar murmerings-- here's a post of mine from last year about this bittersweet day: http://amandadykes.com/mothers-day-for-those-who-ache/

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    1. What a wonderful post, Amanda!! I truly hope church families begin to honor the mother's HEART in EVERY woman. I'll never forget my first mother's day after my first miscarriage. One of the youth kids in our church singled me out to give me a rose "because you're a mom", she whispered. Talk about ugly crying in the church foyer!!!

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  6. I am the mother of 3. Two live in heaven, one precious child lives with me on this planet. I plant mums to remember my 1st two babies and ask God to remind them how much I love them on their birth/death days.

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    1. Oh that's wonderful!! I've sent a few messages upwards myself !

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  7. My daughter too suffered a miscarriage the first pregnancy she had. We were all excited, our first grand baby, and our daughter and her husband had been trying for a while. I do still think about that little one we lost from time to time.

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    1. This type of loss has touched so many!!!!!

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  8. Very well written! I have 8 children here on earth, but 5 more in heaven... I think people assume that if you have many children and you dare to grieve those who have been lost, that you are not grateful for the ones you have... or that somehow you are not "content." But, there is nothing wrong with loving those you have lost as you love those you have.... I appreciate your sharing how you have walked this journey. Many young mothers feel very alone in their loss.

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    1. It shouldn't be a silent weeping. There are too many of us with little ones in Heaven. You are so right, there is nothing wrong with loving them!!

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  9. This was beautifully expressed. You have a wise husband to speak words of truth that comfort. God loves our children even more than we do, which blows my mind and fills my heart.

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  10. Thanks for sharing Jaime - this is something that has been on my heart the past few days as i am coming up on the anniversary of my second leaving me before I could hold the dear child in my arms. Now I sit hear sobbing as my heart aches for the little ones that I have longed to hold. I am blessed with a beautiful tender hearted little boy that I do cherish the time I have snuggling with him - and sometimes wonder how his life would be different with siblings.

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  11. Hi,
    My name is Cory Marchand, I am the photographer/copyright owner of the photo you have listed here:
    http://coffeecupsandcamisoles.blogspot.com/2014/05/an-empty-mothers-day.html?spref=pi
     
    & have hosted here:
     
    http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-BdB-RWUnlps/U2f5eJfd6vI/AAAAAAAAMUo/kQNUt-hlfkk/s1600/download.jpg
     
     
    You can see the original photo here, with copyright use requirements:
     
    https://www.flickr.com/photos/marchands/1506955778 

    I am asking that you please provide photo credits for this picture on your website, or use the image I have provided to you in the link that provides credit on the photo itself. 
     
    I am asking kindly for compliance within 30 days or remove the picture all together.
     
    Let me know if you have any further questions or comments.
     

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    Replies
    1. Cory,

      our apologies! I'm not certain how we originally obtained the photography, however we have removed it so as not to cause any undue harm. Thank you so much for contacting us!

      Jaime

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