Monday, August 26, 2013

God Makes Me Angry

Psalm 69:3
I am weary with my crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God.

I admitted to God last night that I was ticked at Him. I don't do this very often. I'm not a personality type prone to anger. I mean, God is ... God. Being angry at Him would just be stupid. Ok. Hello. My name is "Stupid".

Lately, I've felt like the proverbial ship tossed to and fro in the waves. I'm not a public whiner so I won't list the volumes of draining life issues I feel overwhelmed by. Everything from work to family health issues that are rather severe to crazy people to mom-failures to demands I just feel as if I can no longer meet. I load up my Facebook for a reprise from my own flood of "crap, why me?" and am brought to tears by the amount of terminal illness and death that is riddling people close to me. "Crap, why them?"

I'm not an eloquent complainer or ranter. It usually involves a lot of "craps" and "sheeshes" but they're there. Put on my happy face -- I'm an expert at that -- and re-enter the world of insanity complete with the burden that rests heavy on my heart that only a few people know besides myself.

I wasn't created to carry burdens. I wasn't made to do this. My strength is gone and the ONE PERSON WHO CAN FIX IT ... won't.

I'm ticked at God. Blah blah blah. I married a theologian so I've heard EVERY possible explanation for why evil exists in light of a good God. I understand sin. I understand eternal redemption and hope. I know that Heaven will be perfect and Earth is a shadow and I'm not supposed to love life here anyway. Well, yes, super duper. That makes me feel WAY better. 'Cause everyone I know who ever went to Heaven didn't send me a postcard, so it's not like I'm longing to be there. Let's be honest.

So why do I sound bitter? Because the funny thing is ... I'm not. Not really. I'm only saying out loud what I ranted last night. My eyes growing dim with hope. Because sometimes, we feel that way. You see, King David had it right when he wrote the Psalms. He was honest. Sometimes being honest is like ... venting respectably. How many relationships have you forged through the fires of sheer happiness and joy and hallelujahs and absolutely no conflict? Yeah. Me Neither.

When I was done crying into my pillowcase and growling at the Lord while watching my tongue and being poignantly reminded that He is--well--GOD--it was almost as if I heard him say, "shhhhhhhhhhhhh".

I was reminded of my daughter, sobbing, breath hitching, as she waved her hands and tried to wail out the reason why she was mad at my husband. She deserved discipline. Her reaction was akin to a tantrum. I waited. For the inevitable "GET TO YOUR ROOM NOW!" Instead, Nate heard something behind the desperation of her wail. A feeling of being misunderstood, injustice, frustration, the why me we all feel when the world comes crashing down. Instead of raised voice, Nate took her by her arms and tucked her hair behind her 3 year old ear. "Baby Girl," he crooned, "why are you acting like this?"
She stopped wailing. Gulped. Daddy was listening. Her blue eyes grew enormous as tears the size of the Persian Gulf dripped down her cheeks. "I'm just. so. tiiiiiiiiiiiired, Daddy!"

And his arms were there ... his "shhhhhhhh's" ... and she rested on his shoulder with none of her little world's problems solved, all of which Daddy could fix. She just ... rested ... because Daddy was there. Offering no other explanation but "shhhh".

I slept like a rock last night. I awoke to the same world of exacerbated issues and soul heaviness. But I'm not ticked any more. There was rest in the storm. 

Matthew 11:28

English Standard Version (ESV)
28 Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

He doesn't promise resolution. He doesn't offer explanation. He just says "shhhhhh". 

Today? I'm good with that. Sometimes we just need a Father. And I've always been a Daddy's girl.

5 comments:

  1. Jaime, you have no idea how this touched my heart this morning! I feel, as you do, like I'm being tossed around this world with absolutely no control or ability to fix any of it. Thankfully I know the only One who can...and He loves me. Isn't that a breathtaking thought...He. loves. Me!

    And not only me, but all of my family and friends that are dying, battling cancer, suffering from a brain injury, feeling lost, and are just plain tired. So thankful He understands my heart and wants me to come to Him...because I too have always been a Daddy's girl!

    Thank you for this, this morning!!

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    1. Seems like life has been super heavy lately for a lot of folks. I guess that's part of living in a world running further and further from the ONE who saves. May we rest in His arms today

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  2. Amen - so true. Loved this post, Jamie!

    Serious illnesses with my family & friends also, among other problems, & I have to keep reminding myself that He is in control, there is a reason for everything that happens, & even when I get angry, weary, & break down - He understands & still loves me.

    Saying a prayer for continued peace through those storms that come, Jaime - because often, the storms bring blessings!

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  3. Thank you for sharing your heart. It resonates in me. Have I grown angry? Countless times. And yet He is still my Comforter. I have found so much comfort in the Psalms this year. (Psalm 56 in particular--though I tell the Lord we're way past a bottle for my tears, He's gonna need gallon jugs, and plenty of them.) It's been a stormy season for sure. And yet, the calm does come. Some storms just rage a big longer...

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  4. Shh...I'm more like, "Sheesh." I've got complaining down to a science. I vent every other day or so about job, money, life....hard not to vent. Thanks for the inspiring message.

    ~Cecelia Dowdy~
    http://ceceliadowdy.com/blog/

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